Can you make your partner a minimalist?
Getting loved ones on board with minimalism + sustainable shifts
I came into my relationship a full-fledged minimalist with strong environmental leanings. My husband came into our relationship with a fishing-rod collection that could circle the equator (or, at least, a city block). Impressive knowledge of wildlife, flora, and the best hiking on this side of the Mississippi? Absolutely.
Activist leanings? Not so much.
We’ve had the better part of a decade to navigate these conversations and better understand how to move towards the same goals. These conversations, though, haven’t always been easy or seamless. Big, counter-cultural life changes like shopping less, limiting waste, or even cutting out household toxins come with all sorts of baggage, from childhood experiences to possible social stigma.
With all the complicated feelings that surround Valentine’s Day coming to a close— yes, it’s an unabashedly obnoxious consumer holiday, and yes, mass-imported roses and plastic trinkets are pretty stinkin’ awful for the Earth, and also how else do we expect to survive a dreary February without bright pink heart-shaped crafts and chocolate-covered strawberries— it felt like a great time to have a quick chat about how to make minimalism and other sustainable shifts work in the context of a relationship. These tips will use the language of a partnership, but could certainly be applied to other relationships in your life (I’ll also get around to kid-specific guides at some point as well!).
Public-facing folks in the minimalism and sustainability industry tend to gloss over the inevitable push-and-pull of these decisions in the context of a multi-person household. The over-simplified narrative— “We got rid of 80% of our possessions, and now we live happily ever after in a tiny home!”— resembles a Hollywood film, where the story ends right after the life-changing kiss (Can the “absence of material possessions” kiss? Probably not. But I digress).
The reality isn’t that simple (In fact, perhaps this topic gets glossed over precisely because it’s so messy). As with all “big” things in life, there is some inevitable push-and-pull as people and their needs change. But the last thing you want is a tug-of-war— or an all-out-war— over big lifestyle shifts.
Everyday decisions– from buying bottled water to minimizing your shoe collection– send sometimes unintentional signals into the world, and particularly to your loved ones, about who you are and the values you hold. Even if you aren’t talking out loud about your decisions and values, your actions are speaking for you. Having actual conversations about these values and intentions can be the key to getting your loved ones on board with minimalism and other sustainable shifts. Here’s just few suggestions.
Talk about the end point.
For many people, starting in small, manageable increments is valuable to making long-lasting change. But if you keep adding small increments without talking about your end goals, family members may interpret that to mean that the target is ever-changing: “Oh, you just wanted to get rid of plastic water bottles, and now you don’t want to buy processed foods? What’s next? Confiscating my shampoos?”
Being upfront about what you hope to accomplish– and why– while allowing for some give-and-take can help to ease anxiety all around. If your partner knows that your goal is to reduce plastic, but maybe not to join a nudist commune, they will feel reassured that the next step after recycling the Tupperware isn’t expropriating their favorite t-shirt.
Be willing, particularly at first, to take on the bulk of the “labor” involved in a shift.
If you are the one who is passionate about cloth diapering but your partner could care less, it makes plenty of sense to be the one who takes on the responsibility of laundering the diapers. If you want to reduce the toxins in household products, take the lead on doing the research and putting your new products on auto-ship (trust me, your partner will grab the first thing on the Walmart shelf if you unexpectedly run out of laundry detergent!).
Especially in the context of minimizing material possessions, it also helps to be upfront about the amount of labor involved in caring for your home. In fact, a fairly famous study found that a cluttered home actually increases depression symptoms and the stress hormone cortisol in women, while a cluttered home environment didn’t seem to affect men in the same way. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule— my partner, for example, has a much worse reaction to a messy kitchen than I do. But if you know that the laundry piles or excess toys are causing you stress, be honest with your loved ones about the ways that your life might be easier with less.
Between minimalism and ‘sustainability’— start with minimalism.
Minimalism and more obviously ‘sustainability’ related goals (like going low-waste) are deeply connected— and many people try to undertake both at once. But where making obviously sustainability-related shifts (like bringing reusable grocery bags to the store) can feel like a bit of a chore (because, well, it is), minimalism actually offers you a gateway into more intentionality and fun.
The idea is simple: The less time, effort, and money I’m spending purchasing, cleaning, and storing my junk— the more time, effort, and money I have to do better things. And THAT is where you and your family get to dream. Does living in a smaller house give you the extra financial margin to travel more? Does less to clean mean you have more time and energy for board games or a nightly walk? The goal of minimalism isn’t just to get rid of your unwanted junk; it’s to make more space for the things that really matter. Lean into these possibilities to help get your partner on board.
And, of course, it doesn’t hurt that one of the best things you can do for the planet is to shop less.
Get curious about your partner’s perspective— but make change start with yourself.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of battling it out over perceived micro-aggressions: “Did you really need to buy another hat?” or “Why did you need to get rid of perfectly good cups?” But really, at the root of a conflict like this is probably uncertainty or fear. Are you concerned that your partner is trying to compensate for boredom in their life, career, or your relationship with material purchases? That might be true, but it’s also possible that your partner simply grew up witnessing shopping as a harmless hobby. Is your partner’s reluctance to minimize truly them being obstinate, or just feeling anxious about the hassle and inconvenience?
Get really curious about your partner’s perspective, and do what you can to calm their concerns. But make sure that any change you make starts with yourself (and whatever you do, don’t minimize or otherwise change your loved ones’ things without their knowledge). If you want your partner to make a change, let them see the positive effects on your life first. If you’re irritated about your partner’s screen time usage, start by evaluating your own. If you want to reduce clutter, start with your own wardrobe or bookshelf.
Of course, there are some big decisions that will require you to be on the same page as your partner. But if you begin to make positive shifts independently, chances are your partner will come around eventually— even if their end point doesn’t look exactly like yours.
Remember: It’s you and your partner versus the problem, not you vs. your partner.
Choosing specific, feeling-based “I” language can be particularly helpful in navigating compromise by shifting the conversation away from a power struggle. For example, saying “You need to stop buying plastic water bottles” is begging for confrontation, but sharing “I feel guilty when we use plastic water bottles” opens the conversation for your partner to offer solutions you both can agree on.
It also helps to build in plenty of room for grace— for your partner, and for yourself. You can think of it like the 80/20 rule (or 90/10, if that makes you feel better): If you are making conscious decisions about what you consume the vast majority of the time, there’s some wiggle room— whether it’s to order the occasional take-out, or to buy the hat you don’t “need” but definitely “want”— without undermining the faith that you both are moving towards the same goals. Plus, being a stickler all the time is the fastest way to burn out on any lifestyle shift.
I hope you had a joyful, loved-ones-filled Valentine’s/ Galentine’s/ Cupid’s Day/ “What? I don’t celebrate a February 14th holiday” week, friend. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to minimize my husband’s Yeti collection… (Kidding).
Well done, Jennifer! 🙏🏼 Many useful tips for creating harmony along with minimalist choices.
This strategy especially rings true:
"saying “You need to stop buying plastic water bottles” is begging for confrontation, but sharing “I feel guilty when we use plastic water bottles” opens the conversation for your partner to offer solutions you both can agree on."