How would the holidays look different with less 'stuff'?

Practical supports to set intentions for the holiday season

It feels, in some ways, premature to begin talking about the holidays. Pumpkin spice season is really just beginning, after all— never mind that Starbucks brought back pumpkin earlier than ever this year, and we are in full swing of all things spooky.

Please know, I have no intention of rushing myself into the holidays. I’ll enjoy the crisp fall weather and the distinct absence of stuffed Santas for as long as I can. But there’s no denying that holiday pressures seem to creep just a teeny bit earlier every year, with Prime “Big Deal Days before the holidays” and pre-pre-Black Friday sales galore.

So now, not November, and certainly not December, is really the time to begin setting your intentions for the holiday season. And what I really want to encourage you to think about is this: How would my holidays look different with less stuff— and less focus on stuff?

Set your intentions for pre-holiday shopping

Realistically, the shopping frenzy of the next few months may encompass lots of things. If retailers had their way, your shopping might include gifts you plan to give others, ‘treat yourself’ style purchases, and a plethora of upgrades and impromptu ‘doorbuster’ sales.

But what you don’t want in your pre-holiday shopping is unintended purchases that clutter your home and break your budget. So instead of aimlessly wandering store aisles and dusty corners of the Internet for ‘deals,’ try making a list now of what you plan to purchase.

1. Think about these items— what role are they going to fill in your life? Are these items necessities (you’d be surprised the Black Friday deals you can find on groceries!) or ‘nice-to-haves’? Are you buying the ‘nice-to-haves’ to create more convenience, to match an aesthetic, or to impress others? Get honest with yourself about why you want what you plan on bringing in to your life— and if there is anything you already have that could meet your needs just as well.

2. Go ahead and bookmark the tabs— if you care about getting a discount on these items, you can check in every week or two to see how prices change. This will make the claims of a ‘Black Friday Special!’ less seductive if you notice a bright red sticker but no actual price change.

3. Tally up how much you plan to spend over the holidays on gifts for others and treats for yourself. Go ahead and assume that you’ll pay full price to give yourself some wiggle room— and build that spending into your budget over the next few months. (Don’t forget any gift card spending you might want to do as well— I love purchasing gift cards on sale near the holidays to use throughout the year on everything from groceries to kids clothes)

Last year, you might remember that I used Black Friday to kickstart a three month shopping ban. I love a good shopping ban, and highly recommend them, although I’m not doing one this year. But if you, too, are likely to feel overwhelmed by your shopping options, you might want to consider committing to nothing but your list, or forgoing shopping altogether.

Re-think the way you give gifts to to others

If your family loves its current gift-giving traditions, by all means, stick to them. For many families, though, the idea of giving gifts to a dozen adults is stressful, and nothing ruins the holiday season quite like hours wasted at the mall and budgets strained for gifts that are likely destined for return piles or landfill. In fact, as many as 5 billion pounds of holiday returns are destined for landfill each year in the United States alone. To cut down on waste, consider some of these gifting alternatives:

• Pool together resources so every person in your family is the recipient of one “big” gift— whether it’s sneakers, hiking gear, or a new kitchen gadget. You might only contribute $10 or $20 per person, but the single big gift (preferably of the recipient’s choosing) is likely to get more use than a dozen $10 trinkets would.

• Host a Oven Mitt Game (or other variation of gift games)— but instead of buying new, exchange items from your home that you think others would appreciate more. My family did this last year, and the exchange of candles, card games, and unused gift cards made for less-cluttered homes and plenty of fun.

• Plan a special family event, and use the money you would have spent on gifts towards an experience instead. This could be anything from tickets to a play or museum, extravagant desert choices at a family dinner, or a weekend getaway with extended family.

• ‘Experience coupons’— consider treating your loved ones to what they could most use or enjoy, such as baby-sitting for a date night, or a promise to tag along on their next thrifting adventure.

If you are giving a gift to someone else, is it out of obligation? I don’t have any problem with giving gifts to co-workers or extended family members simply because it’s expected, but I would challenge you to gift something that’s actually likely to be appreciated: A consumable, like a nice bottle of wine, if you know someone well enough to know their preferences; otherwise, you can’t go wrong with a gift card (especially to a local business, like a cafe or bookstore).

A quick note on teachers’ gifts: I’ve been on the receiving end of a number of generous teacher gifts, and I can tell you my hands down favorite: Gift cards, especially coffee and grocery gift cards. Maybe the teachers in your child’s life want another #1 Teacher mug or box of chocolates— but in many areas teachers barely make a living wage, especially if you are talking about early childcare or private schools (regardless of the tuition you pay). If you can afford it, your gift— even if it’s only $5 or $10— is more impactful when it goes toward necessities or small treats, rather than arbitrary trinkets (also be sure to check what the school policy is on faculty members receiving gifts). Pair the gift card with a nice note from your kiddo. The other option, also deeply appreciated, is to reach out and ask your child’s teachers what they could use for their classroom— I’m sure they have a list, and then your gift will benefit everyone in the class!

Set expectations with loved ones about gift-giving

The time to start having conversations with loved ones about gifts is… well, before they’ve purchased any for the year. And while December 26th of last year might have been the absolute ideal time for the conversation (kidding), now is the next best time to get on the same page.

Talking to your children about gift-giving

With children, you have to set expectations in two places: With your children, and with literally everyone who loves them. If your kids are little, chances are they won’t notice or care if your holiday season looks a little bit different than it did in the past. But if they are older, it helps to have the conversation sooner rather than later.

Try starting the conversation with some questions: What are you most looking forward to this holiday season? What would you like to see us do together as a family? And when it comes to the topic of gift-giving, try emphasizing everything your family will gain with less focus on presents. If you feel stuck starting the conversation, here are a few scripts you can tweak to suit your situation:

“This holiday season might look a little bit different than it has in the past. My goal as the parent is to make this season memorable and magical for our family, and I believe the best way to do that is to focus on special experiences with each other this year. We will still give each other a few gifts, but we are going to put most of our focus on special activities together. I have a few ideas for things I’d like to do together [look at Christmas lights, bake cookies, whatever you’d like!] and I’d love it if you wanted to add some ideas to the list as well.”

“We have been working hard as a family to keep only the things we love and use in our house. You’ve seen mommy and daddy get rid of things we don’t use, and you’ve seen how much easier it is to clean your room with less stuff. As we are getting ready for the holidays this year, one of the things that is important to our family is to be generous with others. [These are the ways that we as a family have been generous]. I’d also like to help you be generous with the toys and clothes you have outgrown, to make room for the special new things you will receive. Could we look through your room together and fill a bag to give to your cousin/ your neighbor/ a donation center?”

[If your kiddo gets a hold of the Amazon toy catalogue or otherwise generates an excessive holiday wish list] “Wow, kiddo, that’s a pretty big list! I love that you are having so much fun thinking about what you might want. We are going to do our best to make the holidays special and magical, but I know that magical holidays don’t happen just from getting lots of new toys. Can we sit down together and think about just a few things that you’d like to put on your list, and we will do our best to make those happen?”

[If your kiddo expresses concern about their friends, or any variation of ‘but everyone else gets more presents!’] “Our family’s celebration may look different than some of your friends’ celebrations this year. Different families do different things, and it’s okay that your friends are getting more presents. We have decided to cut back on the number of presents we are giving this year. You get to decide on the few presents that you would most like to receive, and we will use the other money we would have spent on presents to have a special experience as a family.”

Photo by Lore Schodts on Unsplash

Talking to loved ones about gift-giving to your kids

It can be difficult to broach the topic of gift-giving with loved ones— especially when you are asking doting relatives to keep their buying habits in check. You could approach the conversation by sharing the ways that your family is trying to pare down and make more intentional decisions. If you go this route, be sure to keep the conversation focused on how this decision is based on your family’s personal needs. (ie. “I am so deeply appreciative of the gifts you give our kids, but we are feeling overwhelmed with the toys in our home and trying out a different approach”), so it doesn’t feel like a personal affront.

But I’ll be honest. I’ve had that conversation before, but what we have personally found to be even more helpful is to outline what our children do need or want. Think about experiences, but also clothes, books, and art supplies. Sure, buying next-size sneakers or swim floaties might be a little more practical than raiding the toy aisle of Target, but it still gives your loved ones something to shop for.

We personally set up an online registry for birthdays and Christmas (we use Giftster to add gifts from any website— it’s the only gift registry I’ve found that allows others to click ‘purchased’ without creating an account, but if you’ve found other registry options, I’d love to hear). Make sure to add any experience suggestions (and maybe even favorite snacks!) to the list. And just like with baby registries where I always suggest registering into toddlerhood, if you have the space, think about the things + experiences your little one would benefit from in the coming months, too. And if that answer is something large— like a new bike— you can always ask relatives to all chip in for just one gift.

What happens when loved ones go rogue? Understand that in most cases, the giver is acting out of love. Maybe they aren’t being respectful of your boundaries for your home or your children– and that’s certainly a conversation to have. But their intent behind the gift– regardless of how you receive it– is probably that they love you and your family and want a way to express that. And some people just don’t know how to express their love beyond buying things. Feel free to let them know that anything you can’t use or don’t have room for can live at grandma’s house or will be donated.

Meet me in the comments: How do you plan on tackling gift giving (and receiving) this holiday season?