How to Have an Opt-Out Summer

15 Strategies for Limiting Tech Use

Recently, I found myself on edge while baking for my 5 year old’s birthday. I’m not suggesting that a triple-layer chocolate cake with raspberry filling (and 24 mermaid cupcakes to boot!) was the easiest thing in the world, but it was certainly within my wheelhouse. And then it hit me: I was pulling the recipe up on my phone, which involved logging back in every time the screen went dark, quickly checking any new notifications on my home page, then scrolling through half a dozen advertisements every time I needed to know whether I needed 1/2 or 2/3 a teaspoon of vanilla. It wasn’t the recipe that was the problem; it was the phone.

There’s substantial evidence that too much clutter in our homes causes a spike in cortisol, or the stress hormone (particularly for women!). But I’ve found that even with a clean home, I can easily feel overwhelmed if I’m too engaged with technology (even for a productive reason) or worse, if I’m mentally counting on the next notification to save me.

Of course, you might very well be sitting in front of a computer screen for 8 or more hours a day as part of your work. In those cases, the best thing I can suggest is frequent stretch breaks, and a lunchtime walk in the sunshine if you can squeeze in the time. But for all of the parts of your day that are within your control, maybe this is the summer to push yourself— and your family— to return to the analog.

I’ve been thinking about the ‘analog’ life quite a bit, and I’ve previously written about it here and here. But a few months ago, I read Erin Loechner’s The Opt-Out Family: How to Give Your Kids What Technology Can’t (Bookshop). It was daunting to hear confirmation of what I’ve witnessed: kids who grow up with nonstop technology— and, of course, technology-addicted parents— are fighting an uphill battle against corporations monetizing their attention. But it was also reassuring to see alternative road maps that allow us to engage with the real world, messy imperfections and all.

As we go into summer, consider this an invitation to reset your own— and, if applicable, your family’s— relationship to technology. Here are a handful of strategies that have worked for us:

For yourself:

Create a dedicated time of day for “life admin”— for example, answering text messages from friends at 8 p.m., or online shopping (for groceries, household essentials, etc.) on Sunday afternoon.

Consider making analog-style to-do lists. I’m noticing a trend towards pen-and-paper lists— there is, apparently, an Insta-worthy overpriced subscription to what I can best tell is a stack of paper in a pretty wooden box— you don’t need that. Post-It notes or the back of a junk mail envelope will do.

Try pivoting to in-person communication. Of course, with long distance friends and relatives, you might very well rely on FaceTime or scheduled phone calls. But I wouldn’t consider a text message checking in as a meaningful “connection” in and of itself— try using the text to schedule a time to grab a coffee or go for a walk instead.

Play around with your phone’s notifications. You might want to silence all notifications, or enable notifications from just a handful of people (for example, just your partner and parents, or a handful of close friends). I don’t think there’s one setting that works for everyone— but perhaps start with enabling notifications only from people who need to get in touch with you in a timely fashion (such as the school office or loved ones who live nearby).

Physically print out materials you reference frequently. I’m not here to encourage deforestation (use FSC-certified paper, y’all), but it’s made a world of difference to print out the recipes I most frequently use. Try reading physical books instead of the Kindle edition, and see if it changes how you feel.

Keep a running list of everything you want to Google. Yes, it takes time to pull out your analog-style list and write down “do penguins have teeth?” or “surviving 4 month sleep regression” (I’m pretty sure I Googled that one with every one of my three kids… spoiler alert: the search results didn’t change)— but anything that still feels important to look up, you can do during your ‘life admin’ time.

Keep your phone in a command station. Try making a charger the ‘default location’ for your phone. Some people leave it in the entryway; I personally like mine in a kitchen drawer. This keeps your tech accessible, but you’ll be less tempted with it out of sight. Bonus points if you get your phone out of the bedroom at night! (I haven’t managed this one, yet, though I no longer sleep with it beside me).

Click unsubscribe (but preferably not to this newsletter 🙃 ). Unsubscribe from the relentless marketing campaigns (in e-mail and text form) that take your time and energy. If you really want a promo code (I know I do!) use a junk e-mail dedicated only to marketing messages that you don’t otherwise have to check.

With your family:

Create technology-free points to connect during the day. Screen-free dinner, family walks, or a weekly game night can all be a great place to start. Leave your phone in the command center if it’s too tempting to check notifications.

Find alternatives for the car and restaurant. We travel quite a bit, and the only technology we use on the road is our Yoto player (and can I tell you it’s been a serious sore spot that my 5 year old hasn’t yet let me listen to her new Mercy Watson cards with her— “chapter books are only for 5 year olds, mom” is what she keeps telling me). I keep travel size blocks and magnetic play sets in case anyone gets antsy in a waiting room or restaurant. I’ve also considered picking up a pack of Table Topics for fun conversation starters.

Treat technology like a tool, not a toy. In Erin Loechner’s fantastic book, The Opt Out Family: How to Give Your Kids What Technology Can’t, she talks about refraining from giving new technology as a birthday or Christmas present. Her reasoning is simple: Gifts don’t come with strings, technology does. And the string? Usefulness. Phones/ laptops/ tablets are used for ordering groceries, paying bills, or doing research— not spending hours down a social media rabbit hole.

Narrate what you are doing. You might be paying bills or placing a grocery order, but what your child sees is just you on your phone. To combat this, I try to let my little ones know what I’m doing: “I’m just finishing up this quick e-mail, then I’ll be available to play” or “I’m wrapping up a grocery order, then we can talk.”

Facilitate screen-free exploration. Try placing inviting new books (feel free to borrow them from the library!) or art supplies out for your kiddo to find. Invite them on a “wonder walk” to find flowers, or have an impromptu dance party instead of screen time before dinner. Perhaps above all, I’d encourage you to follow your little’s lead— I’m constantly amazed by the thoughtful questions my littles ask, the small ladybug they notice on the porch, and the (occasionally obnoxiously loud) games they invent without my involvement.

Have someone hold you accountable. Willpower is wonderful and all, but there’s nothing like your partner’s admonishing look to remind you that phones don’t come out at family activities. Use this to motivate you and your loved ones, if they’re game for the challenge.

For (Younger) Kids

Delay, delay, delay. If you are hoping to have a low-screen environment for your kiddos, hold off on giving them that first screen as long as you can. Skip the iPad on car trips, and use a communal laptop instead of personal technology for homework. Make movie nights a special family event or for the times when you are at your wit’s end (in my family’s case, TV happens if someone throws up) instead of an all-the-time occurrence. And sure, my kids are a little confused when someone asks who their favorite Paw Patrol character is, but they aren’t totally out of the loop (they are very familiar, for example, with Peppa Pig— they just happen to think she’s a book character).

We won’t shame ourselves— or others— into a better relationship with technology. Nor should that be the intention. But there’s no time like the present to reset our relationship with technology, and create a closer bond with the people who matter most. That change starts here, with an opt-out summer.