One of the more ironic things I’ve ever done is sit on the floor, scrolling through websites looking for “things” to buy my children instead of actually engaging with the toddlers playing right in front of me.
Not my proudest moment.
But I’m willing to bet you’ve done it too.
Most families have closets and storage rooms and play rooms crammed full of toys— an average of 238 toys per child, in fact. No wonder new parents are so exhausted. And much like having an over-stuffed wardrobe, too many toys actually decreases the quality of play— leaving children more likely to complain of boredom.
How is it, exactly, that more toys= more boredom? It turns out that there are in fact two distinct phases of play: The first is exploration, where children understand a toy and its function, and the second is actual imaginative “play” with an object. Children with too many toys are likely to dismiss a toy after the exploration period, before they have engaged with it in a meaningful way.
If you have a toddler, you might notice kids that never leave the ‘exploration’ phase get stuck in a cycle of dumping out bins. of toys, then moving on to the next thing to wreak havoc on. If you have an older (elementary age) kiddo, they might be constantly complaining of boredom even— or especially— when they are surrounded by toys.
For all the time and money we spend purchasing toys for our little ones, most of these toys will become nothing more than tripping hazards in a matter of weeks. Because even if children say they want new or better toys, chances are they aren’t actually looking for more stuff. They are looking for more connection.
Our children aren’t looking for more stuff, they are looking for more connection.
But the siren song— be it targeted advertising or children whining— calls, and we swipe our cards on everything from Leap Frog alphabets to STEM toddler toys (because the path to an Ivy league education starts right out of the womb, apparently).
In 1993, the year I was born, advertisers spent $790.4 million on toy advertisements (and to put this number in more context, I stumbled upon it in a 1995 article titled “Too Many Toys”… so even 30 years ago, families felt “over-stuffed.” There’s a fascinating history behind the creation of the child-consumer that dates to the early 20th century… which means that at the same time child labor comprised almost 20% of the workforce, the nascent advertising industry was figuring out how to sell the trinkets manufactured by child labor to… you guessed it, other children. (Not unlike reports of children manufacturing Barbies, McDonald’s toys, and other trinkets as recently as a decade ago).
Early toy advertising used to be directed towards parents, but over the past several decades advertisers have shifted to marketing plastic junk directly to children— and parents today are feeling the pressure. If you grew up as a “latch-key kid” in the 80s or 90s, did your parents— even if they loved you beyond measure— try to make up for their long hours with physical gifts? What about compensating for parental separation, from long business trips to divorce, with toys, gaming systems, or clothes?
You can’t put a price tag on love and affection for your children, but marketers sure try. And now, advertisers don’t just have access to Nickelodeon commercials and eye-level product placement in stores. With the rise of social media, children can serve as ‘influencers’ for other children as well— particularly in the rising genre of “unboxing” videos for toys (akin to a “fast fashion shopping haul” video, but for toys). in fact, the 9 year old reviewing toys on the YouTube channel Ryan’s World was the highest earning YouTube star of 2020 (bringing in $30,000,000… yep, that’s the right number of zeros).
The United States has 3.1% of the world’s children, but we consume 40% of the world’s toys. If the evidence that we have too many toys doesn’t show up as tripping hazards in your playroom, chances are its showing up in your pocketbook— to the tune of $6,617 over the course of a childhood, in fact. If you find your Christmas or birthday budgets stretched to the max, it’s possible that an overflowing wish list of plastic junk is why.
The ‘right’ number— and kind— of toys will be different for every child and every family. But I love the occasional window into other people’s homes— it’s endlessly fascinating to me to see what things people use and value— so I figured I’d offer you the same window into mine. With a 3 year old and 1 year old, we have:
3 dolls (one doll per kiddo is the only toy “special” to each of them— everything else is shared) + 4 stuffed animals (honestly even 4 is probably too many!)
A small dollhouse with accessories and peg people
Wooden and silicone block set
Movement toys: Pikler triangle, toddler bike, 2 balls, and giant foam tumblers/ blocks for building forts, obstacle courses, etc.
And some toys that rotate in and out of the shelves:
Roughly a dozen puzzles, across all toddler stages
Pretend play: Doctor’s kit, doll stroller, small box of toy food, wooden phone and camera
‘Infant/ toddler coordination’ toys: Ball run, car ramp, flexible wooden stacker, coin bank, shape sorter, push/pull toy, stacking cups
‘Preschool coordination/ learning’ toys: Matching game, button art board, hammer board, counting peg drop, balance scale
Musical toys: Xylophone, rainmaker, orb shakers, drum
Water play: Toy sink, beaker set, two silicone bath toys (one per kiddo)
Toddler busy board (used pretty exclusively to keep everyone happy on long car rides)
We also have roughly 100 books, some art supplies, and outdoor toys (vehicles, toy lawn mower, and sports equipment).
The largest category by far are coordination-type toys, nearly all of which are from Lovevery (though many are secondhand). These kinds of toys certainly aren’t a ‘need’— I have complete faith that that my children would learn fine motor skills without a single stacking toy laying around, but they are some of my kiddos’ favorite toys. At first, I wasn’t really sure why— aren’t open-ended toys (those that can be played with in lots of different, imaginative ways, like play silks or blocks) all the rage? But it turns out that close-ended toys serve an important purpose too. Any toy with a clear ‘objective’ or end— such as a puzzle that can be completed, rings that can be stacked, coins that can be dropped into the slot, etc.— help promote mastery (think of your toddler clapping when she puts the puzzle piece in the right spot) and build attention span. When my girls have mastered a skill and lost interest in a toy, it goes out of rotation.
After counting, and re-counting, and spending a ridiculous amount of time wondering does ‘toy food’ count as one toy? or do you count is ‘toy spoon,’ ‘toy frying pan’ ‘toy lemon’ etc. and have 100 toys just from that? (I decided no), the verdict is that my girls combined have somewhere around 50 toys.
That’s significantly more than the average child in the Global South, or indeed most of the world. But relative to the American norm, it’s pretty minimal— and I’m convinced our family is benefitting from it.
If you’re looking to reverse the deluge of toys, here’s just a few thoughts:
Watch what your children play with. Like, literally, watch them. Observe what toys they gravitate towards and which ones get left on the shelf. Sometimes, reigniting interest in a toy is just a matter of toy rotation (a great way to create the “shiny new toy” feeling without bringing in anything new)— but if your little one still isn’t interested, it’s time to let it go.
Consider paring down ‘categories’ of stuff. Sure, 100 Legos can help you design buildings that you couldn’t with just 2 plastic bricks… but 100 Barbies doesn’t create a fundamentally better play experience for your children. For every toy ‘collection’ that’s taking over your home— think toy food, dolls/ stuffed animals (and their accessories), action figures, etc.— set a number or space boundary. For example, give your child a basket and tell them the toy food they keep needs to fit in the basket, or ask them to pick their 5 favorite stuffed animals. Chances are, you will see improved focus during playtime and your little ones will begin treating their remaining toys with more respect.
Find creative ways to use what you have. I’m not asking you to create a complicated toddler toy out of toilet paper rolls and pipe cleaners (although if you’re the crafty type, have at it. I’ll happily watch from the sidelines). But when your kid wants to build a fort, you could buy a $100 fort building kit.. or you could toss a blanket over some couch cushions, and your kid will have just as much fun.
Change the language around buying in your home. With the number of influences on children— store product placement, TV and YouTube advertising, and peer pressure, just to name a few— it’s no wonder that kids ask for stuff. But the expectations we set for our home matter, as does the way we respond to their requests. Instead of saying “We can’t afford that” or “I’m not spending money on junk” try framing it differently: “In this family, we choose to spend money on experiences instead of stuff.” Instead of “You don’t need more toys!,” try: “We don’t bring in more toys that we can take care of. If there are toys you are ready to donate, we can return to this conversation.” Making the conversation about family values helps your child to be an intentional decision-maker alongside you.
Become an advocate for intentional gift-giving. Chances are, there are other people in your child’s life— aunts or uncles, grandparents, and close friends— who love your child dearly and want to give them the world. One of the most culturally encouraged ways to show affection (though it isn’t the only or even the best way) is through buying stuff, especially in the form of holiday or birthday presents. Channel your loved ones’ generosity towards your children with specific requests— Noah could really use a size 4T jacket this year! or Zoe would love a helmet to go with her new bike. Our family has traditionally texted out lists with gift ideas. Recently though, we encouraged my sister-in-law to create an actual registry for her little one’s first birthday and it was SO lovely to avoid the awkward ‘what’s your price point?’ and ‘did anybody else already get this gift?’ while still getting our nephew exactly what he could use.
It’s worth remembering, too, that people choose to give gifts based not only on their budget, but also based on their values, preferences, and a whole bunch of emotional baggage. The grandma who couldn’t afford new toys for her own children may want to spoil her grandchildren now, or the uncle with a particular affection for certain childhood toys may want to pass that on to his nephews. If you have a family member who struggles with intentional gift-giving, NOW— not November— is the time to begin having the conversation about sticking to the list or choosing experience gifts this holiday season. But remember to walk into the conversation with kindness— chances are that the gifts causing you so much anxiety on December 26th are coming from a place of love.
Barbie may be taking over the box office, but it doesn’t have to take over your home. And when you kick (some of) the toys to the curb, your children— and you— will see the benefits.
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P.S: My heart was feeling heavy this week as were hit with yet another wave of wildfire smoke— my little one this morning said, “Mommy, is the ‘air kwa-wee’ [quality, in 3 year old speak] all better today?” Here was my original post on what’s lost in the midst of climate extremes. Sending my love to everyone who has been affected by wildfires, extreme heat waves, flash flooding, and more this past week.